你說我‘講罷了’？？？
你又知道什麼？
難道全家只有你一個可以認為錢花的多還是少嗎？
你根本都不懂。
要不是逼不得已，我也不願意花這筆錢。
你以為是我要的嗎？
你根本沒辦法體會早上睜開眼，看進鏡子裏，我的臉還是像昨日一樣，偶爾還會變的更糟。晚上睡前洗臉的時候，都希望明天一早能夠看到情況變好。可是結果還是一樣。這樣的日子一天又一天的過⋯⋯如果你是我，我看你一定崩潰了。
但是我和你不一樣，我每天還是會期待著變好的一天。
去花那筆錢也只是為了要讓它快好。
有錯嗎？
如果是你，你難道不會花嗎？
你能嗎？
哼，我保證你絕對不行。

每次說人講話沒經過腦袋。
我看你也差不多罷了。

I don't wanna grow up. I'm not ready to do it on my own. I'm not brave enough. I've never been confident when I'm alone. Can I not do this yet?

No.

Reality struck and it totally suck.

I can't even enjoy my holiday even after SPM cause there's so much deciding to do. I've always been indecisive. I'm afraid that once I step out and if I'm wrong, I can't go back. What will happen to me? I want to make the right choice, the choice I won't regret, the step I won't turn back on. But what is it? What's the choice?

Struggling between what I like and what I'm capable of.

I like to get my hands on stuff. That's why I had thoughts like taking event management or interior design and courses in art and design. But then... I heard what AnYong's dad said, and what my mom thinks. They think I'm too smart for courses like that. (A little narcissistic to say it myself!) I'm not disagreeing, I'm quite smart *smirks* I mean, I study in the first class and my ranking had maintained within 20 in the past 2 years in science stream. It's an accomplishment I'm proud of. Does this mean I am actually capable of taking better courses other than art and design? Though interior design is not as easy as it seems, event management... People say it's the kind of course for people who can't study, which I am not worth studying for. I'm not sure of the accuracy of this statement, but I kinda agree with it. So maybe I'm dropping out that option in my list..
So it's interior design left. But then I have my doubts about it. I totally got cut off with arts 2 years ago. And I can't tell if I have the creativity to be a designer. For years and years of Star NIE, I know that I can't think out of the box. I'm just not that kind of person.

But what to do? I seriously don't want to go back studying like a nerd anymore. I'm sick and tired of studying....

Or am I?

I'm really confused.. Someone counsel me...

Just finished watching 'Life In A Day'. It made me realize a few things.

There are new born babies everyday, whether they are healthy or not, that's another question. There are also people suffering and fear for death everyday. I feel grateful for just being able to be in my room, finish watching the movie and sit on my bed to write this blog. I'm healthy and staying happy every day. On the other hand, there are a lot of people out there who has to lie in their beds all day, praying that they could step out and breathe fresh air instead of the smell of medicine. Some people has to hang 'bags' around their waists to ensure the continuation of their lives. Some people has to be stuck on the bed with bunch of wires sticking onto their bodies...... So what if you're getting a mere fever or a tiny case of running nose? After seeing those people, I don't think those small matters really bother me any more, as long as I have the chance to recover and live my life like how I want to live it.

Though the outside world - out of my house, actually - isn't that safe anymore, think of the other children and people of other countries who have the risk of being murdered any single moment they're out there. While we could still wander around window shopping to past our hours. Who ain't afraid of death? Maybe there are a few people out there, but I surely am not one of them. I know I still have a long way to go, a lot more things I want to accomplish, dreams to achieve, and people to love. I'm still not done with my life. And I bet those people think the same way. So what we gonna do is to live life to the fullest. Don't let anything stop you from doing what you love. (But please think rationally before making any decisions, because they will change your life forever.)

Life is never fair. We can never choose our fate. All we can do is to face them with whatever we got. That's easy to say for me right now because I'm born in a safe place and I'm living a life with good conditions. I have people who love me and also people that I love. That's more than enough, aite?

I'm not good at writing essays, just trying to express how I feel.

或許是我自己想太多
但是不要太靠近才好吧

你可能會認為我突然變了
因為我不再時時守在電話旁等著你的訊息
不再為了你的來信而感到興奮
反而會想去ignore它
對你的語氣也冷淡了許多
但那正是我的目的：讓你不再發我訊息

說我奇怪好了
可是你更奇怪
有事沒事貼我那麼近幹嘛
你又不是我的誰
就讓我一個人享受一個人的時光可以嗎？

我承認我曾經說得那些話有點。。hiao？
可能讓妳誤會了吧
所以刻意對你冷淡是在弥補我給你的誤會
說我放縱、我行我素
但這是為了大家好不是嗎？

放心啦
你痛苦也只是一時
反正你身邊的朋友不比我少
就別再對我的反應有所失望唄

討厭一個人真的很累
把自己對別人的不喜歡別在心裡
到最後人家都不把你的討厭當一回事
那幹嘛折磨自己去討厭別人
就算他真的很在意你的不喜歡
可那又怎樣？
他還是會在你心中刻下印象
成為那少數中的「不喜歡的人」
倒不如放下所有成見，重新開始
把曾經的好壞都擱在一旁
把他當成是個陌生人
我覺得那樣更好
至少不再需要為「不喜歡的人」而不高興

雖然我說得到
但我暫時办不到
因為她造成的傷害太深、太重
她撒的謊，她的誇大言詞真是令人不爽
可是看她怎麼可憐的份上
是否該讓她趁最後這幾次好好的把它過完？
之後就從此不再有任何瓜葛？
我是否該對她仁慈？
不，我是為了我自己
幹嘛為了去討厭別人而感到不開心
超不值得
算了，便宜你了
因為我人太好 哈

You have no idea how many times I've thanked the Big Man for letting me know you people. I really don't know how am I suppose to spend my days without you guys. We shared tears, sweat, complaints, jokes, smiles, gossips, but most of the parts were just laughters. I always have fun around you guys. I love you all, my dear friends.

我媽媽說我和姊姊不一樣。我很惜情：親情、友情。（還沒有愛情 哈哈）
我們不得不面對殘酷的現實。我們終會有分開的時候。人家說今次的分離是為了下一次的重逢。但能夠重逢並不簡單。我很害怕，分開後就會被遺忘。到最後只剩下我還對我們的友情感到執著⋯⋯ 會嗎？

Since primary school, I've learnt to cherish friendship, because of Wei Xin. Though she denied and said we're just using each other. Nah, I don't care, I'm willing to be used by her anyway. Cause I wouldn't wanna loose anyone as precious as her. (Wx: I know you'll see this, don't puke. ) She would make me laugh and cry, like a maniac. She loves to crap and to quarrel. I have no idea why, haha. I could still remember the time when she made me laugh when we were not suppose to make noise in class. And at last, I got a hard stare from the teacher. Embarrassing!! But it was okay.
Not to forget when we met each other last year (31/3/12) on my surprise birthday party. We hugged and cried like a baby, in front of so many people in McDonalds. Another embarrassing moment. But the tears and laughters were all true. It meant so much to me, even until today. I know if I can't find anyone to talk to, she would be there crapping away, making me feel alive again.
On the day of our separation, I really feared that we won't be able to last long, but it turned out to be the opposite. "I'm glad that I still have you by my side, buddy. I heart you!"


Then to my other buddies.

Lee Kah Wei. He had always been a great brother to me. Though I had betrayed his goodness to me a few times, he's still there for me no matter what. I feel guilty whenever I remember the time when I disliked him so much that I slapped his face... I'm really really sorry... And the time when I tempted to throw away the rose he gave me... Sorry again... But I still keep it, it's in the cabinet! It's actually my first flower received from a person of another gender. It has a special meaning to it. Gotta thank my mom who stopped me from throwing it away back then!
We had a huge conflict once. Really huge. But we wouldn't have been so close if it wasn't for that incident. That time, I thought I was really losing him and the thought haunted me the whole day. But everything was settled out that night when he gave me the chance to explain. After that night, we tied our bonds as brother and sister. And we became better than ever. 
I appreciate the times when I just have to call and we would be talking for hours non-stop of craps and gossips. And he would be my counsellor when I faced anything too complicated for me to figure out.
He's a great guy, a great friend and of course a great brother. "IMY and I heart you too!"

Teh Jia Yi. This guy, definitely a person I had the most moments with. Cause we're still in the same school for the next five years after primary school graduation. I really gotta thank the teacher in computer class because she put us both together. I had forgotten how we would be such great friends, but he reminded me, it was because of Jay Chou. (P.s., he's also the main reason how me and Kah Wei became friends too. Jay Chou the man yo.)
I love to look at him when he has his drumsticks on his hand and plays like a total pro. It's also quite fun to see him running around behind the huge band to change his percussions. Throughout the years he had polished and mastered his skills in percussion. Now he is loved and admired by many people, and I feel proud about it. He can go along with anybody, too. This was proven when me and my few choir friends joined a few of them band mates to have a mini combine performance. I can tell my friends liked him because of his undeniable humour. Standing beside him makes me like a proud mom *sheds tear*
In a nutshell, he's a great buddy, and also a great brother. "I won't say IMY cause you said we won't be separated, I hope you'll keep your promise!! I heart you!"

So these 3 people are the main. They stand a huge part of my life and I can't risk anything to lose them. They've become a part of me, and I will never, ever erase them from my heart. I really love you guys.
*Please don't leave me T^T*

This sums up my post for my precious primary school buddies. I shall post another of my secondary mates next time. Till then ;)

I thought we could really be just best friends this time. But why must you always try to break through this relationship? Didn't we promise to be buddies for life? 

I have liked you so much a few years ago. But then I realize it was wrong. We weren't meant to be together. You're just a great friend I can't live without.

Yes, I can't live without you. 

You make me laugh, and I feel happy around you all the time. 

I would be more than happy to get you out from your break ups because I don't want you to lose yourself. I would give you all the time I have to keep you company. I would reply to your stupid messages and reply you stupidly myself. I was not forced to do these, I loved them, because I know that you're still the old you. 

But you're starting to make me craving for your company. I would be disappointed if I didn't see your text appear in my home. I would wonder where are you when its almost time for you to text me. I would laugh and smile like an idiot when you attempt to sweet-talk me. I really like the way you're addressing me (not publicizing it). My heart would thump, my body would shiver by the thought of you. I would hyperventilate when I hear people call your name. I would feel proud when I know everyone likes you. I love the fact that I have the first priority in your everything. 

But I have to stop. 

I don't want mistakes to be made again. I don't want you to be called a Casanova that changes his mind so easily (in means of relationship). I don't want to be a replacement of her. 

It was so hard to reject you. I didn't want to, but I had to. I don't want to hurt your feelings. I don't want you to stop praising me. I don't want you to leave me like how you did whenever you had someone else. But, once again, I had to. 

It's so hard to converse with you now because I can't say whatever I want any more, cause I don't want you to have a misconception of what I say. 

I know I'm selfish. I want and don't want you at the same time. Don't ask me why, I'm clueless myself. 

Just call me selfish. 

"友人之上，恋人未满"? 

I admit, I am one very complicated human being ever.
What's this all about? A.. Person.

She was an awesome friend, I'm not doubting that. But things change and it's not as awesome anymore.
We used to share a lot to each other. And those are definitely memories I wouldn't erase from my "book of history".

Yes, obviously I'm kinda ignoring her.

I don't mean to do it purposely. It's like a complicated girl thing. I don't understand either. When I see her, I just don't feel like looking at her, need to say talking to her? No.
But when we were in a tuition class, I don't feel like ignoring her anymore. But all that's left was the awkwardness...

Everytime I ignored her, I would see me in her point of view, and I would think that I'm a really terrible friend. Yes, I know that. But I can't help it, I'm sorry.
Ugh, seriously, I hate this feeling. For more than a thousand times I've told myself to stop hurting her.. It just.. Comes back. Because its her.

I feel guilty every single time I see her.
Which doesn't really change anything.

What the hell am I doing..